“Don’t hate me because I’m an asshole.” Please excuse my words, however, this is exactly how it was spoken and meant exactly as it sounds. But, those are seven words that surly makes a girl think. I don’t see why I shouldn’t be upset or even angry with someone who tells me not to hate him because that’s just how he is; like I should have known that before we ever met? 8 years and that’s the last thing that was said.
The whole point of a relationship is loyalty and trust, right? So, whether it is friendship or a dating relationship, it still remains the same. Love comes later, that’s not what I’m talking about. When I tell someone that I can’t be “just friends” and hang out whenever we want or be around one another, because I want more. The response is “note taken”. However, coming over only one day after that was said should tell me what? That you agree that we should be more than just friends, or what is it? I still think that this is it . . . and I will. I guess until something changes my mind.
I try not to think so much about the little things, but when something really matters to me, why shouldn’t I think about it? Lots on my plate; might as well enjoy each part. It makes me wonder sometimes . . . will it end up like Carrie and Big, or more as Jules and Michael.
I have worked specifically on two things this past month. The first is to walk everyday and work on getting back into my bikini body, and ready for summer. I have done pretty well so far, walking everyday . . . and the handsome guys at the end of the street certainly make it a little bit easier! I’m losing a little, but still more to get rid of before I’m ready for my green suit.
The second, I am trying to prove wrong a very unfavorable man that told me that I wasn’t a fit teacher, and that I didn’t get adequate training, and that he was surprised I graduated college with an elementary degree instead of being a lateral entry teacher. He also told me that my example of a boat moving with the wind wasn’t fit for my kids. I guess, according to him, I am not supposed to be a teacher. However. I disagree. Completely. I have lived my whole life so far to be a teacher, and according to the tiny differences I can already see, and the passion I have in my heart that this is exactly what I am supposed to be doing. I couldn’t be more thankful and appreciative of the encouragement the staff at my school has been to me, even my boss. So I guess, it’s just one more thing trying to get me to stray from what my true calling is. I don’t think I would love it so much if it wasn’t what I was supposed to do.
Hot mess.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Monday, January 17, 2011
Heart-break
I hate coffee, not really, but the fact that I am sitting up at 2:15am and watching movies that make me cry, well, that gives me a reason to hate coffee.
I laugh sometimes, because I watch these movies, pretty much ones that only make you think and usually make you cry like a baby, but then I look at how silly it is that I am so involved in this movie that is nothing but fiction; which I tell my kids is non-realistic. It is kind of like justifying my motives and thoughts as well as my actions and making it all “make sense”. Silly isn’t it?
In thinking the other day, I recognized something that I am not too proud of that occurs often in my life. I realized that I have never once had my heart broken. Well, I take that back, I have had it broken, sure, but not to the point of it being something to learn from. Simple heartbreaks are more like pride-breaks or something that embarrasses you or “hurts” your feelings . . . but never a heart-break. (You know one of those cry for days, can’t eat or sleep, crazy feeling kind of heart-break.) I realized that I always end things before it gets to that point. I guess you can call it being proactive. However, sometimes being that proactive keeps you from learning or experiencing the “heart-break”. No, I am not saying I want to know what that feels like, but it does make me wonder what my relationships would look like now if I had ever experienced that feeling. Hm.
So, I really like this guy. He is sweet, handsome, considerate, smart, hard-headed, simple and complicated, and def someone I could be with. Different than anyone else I have been with, but certainly worth a little time. I do wish, however, that he would once in a while say what he is thinking . . . but wait, that’s a wish that I am not going to take up in one of my 3. I do wonder sometimes, if I make the right choices. Do I go for the one who has been my friend for a long time that it could really work and be great with? Or do I go for the one who doesn’t seem to reciprocate my feelings towards him towards me? It’s almost like I am a silly girl with a crush on an idea that comes and goes as it pleases. That I think is what it is so hard about being with one person. I really feel like some type of commitment that is strong and there for me will help make that decision, but taking so long to begin that commitment keeps me wondering, which one? The one that I have loved for years and has a great heart and spirited personality, but really someone I don’t know as well as I think I do – or someone who is one of my greatest friends and has some feelings of “like” towards me, will have a great time on dates, smart and caring, and yet still someone I don’t know as well as I would like to, but would be easier to get to know. Am I just wanting a friend or am I really wanting a companion? (Not in the dog-sense of the term, but the relationship sense) Am I desperate or truly interested?
I have lots of tough decisions.
I really like my job. I love teaching, and I know that is exactly what I have wanted to do for as long as I can remember. (Even back to the point of playing with my best friend “school” and calling each other to talk about how crazy my kids were) I tell you what; it is a lot harder than I thought it would be. I definitely know that what I learned in college isn’t as helpful as what it means to be put in the classroom and have to actually “teach”. It’s hard, but I love it. I wouldn’t change it for the world.
Where is my relationship with my Maker in all the midst of my mess? I think that is my bigger problem, and the first issue to be resolved. It is tough to learn that I can’t do it all on my own. It took 5 cups of coffee and quite a few sappy girl movies to figure that out. Isn’t life just one big hot mess?
I laugh sometimes, because I watch these movies, pretty much ones that only make you think and usually make you cry like a baby, but then I look at how silly it is that I am so involved in this movie that is nothing but fiction; which I tell my kids is non-realistic. It is kind of like justifying my motives and thoughts as well as my actions and making it all “make sense”. Silly isn’t it?
In thinking the other day, I recognized something that I am not too proud of that occurs often in my life. I realized that I have never once had my heart broken. Well, I take that back, I have had it broken, sure, but not to the point of it being something to learn from. Simple heartbreaks are more like pride-breaks or something that embarrasses you or “hurts” your feelings . . . but never a heart-break. (You know one of those cry for days, can’t eat or sleep, crazy feeling kind of heart-break.) I realized that I always end things before it gets to that point. I guess you can call it being proactive. However, sometimes being that proactive keeps you from learning or experiencing the “heart-break”. No, I am not saying I want to know what that feels like, but it does make me wonder what my relationships would look like now if I had ever experienced that feeling. Hm.
So, I really like this guy. He is sweet, handsome, considerate, smart, hard-headed, simple and complicated, and def someone I could be with. Different than anyone else I have been with, but certainly worth a little time. I do wish, however, that he would once in a while say what he is thinking . . . but wait, that’s a wish that I am not going to take up in one of my 3. I do wonder sometimes, if I make the right choices. Do I go for the one who has been my friend for a long time that it could really work and be great with? Or do I go for the one who doesn’t seem to reciprocate my feelings towards him towards me? It’s almost like I am a silly girl with a crush on an idea that comes and goes as it pleases. That I think is what it is so hard about being with one person. I really feel like some type of commitment that is strong and there for me will help make that decision, but taking so long to begin that commitment keeps me wondering, which one? The one that I have loved for years and has a great heart and spirited personality, but really someone I don’t know as well as I think I do – or someone who is one of my greatest friends and has some feelings of “like” towards me, will have a great time on dates, smart and caring, and yet still someone I don’t know as well as I would like to, but would be easier to get to know. Am I just wanting a friend or am I really wanting a companion? (Not in the dog-sense of the term, but the relationship sense) Am I desperate or truly interested?
I have lots of tough decisions.
I really like my job. I love teaching, and I know that is exactly what I have wanted to do for as long as I can remember. (Even back to the point of playing with my best friend “school” and calling each other to talk about how crazy my kids were) I tell you what; it is a lot harder than I thought it would be. I definitely know that what I learned in college isn’t as helpful as what it means to be put in the classroom and have to actually “teach”. It’s hard, but I love it. I wouldn’t change it for the world.
Where is my relationship with my Maker in all the midst of my mess? I think that is my bigger problem, and the first issue to be resolved. It is tough to learn that I can’t do it all on my own. It took 5 cups of coffee and quite a few sappy girl movies to figure that out. Isn’t life just one big hot mess?
Friday, November 05, 2010
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Joe and Stella
There's a storm coming up
And I gotta prepare myself
'Cause this feeling is getting stronger everyday
Something's creeping inside
Everything is about to change
Gotta face the fact that I can't walk away
This is critical, I'm feeling helpless
So hysterical, this can't be healthy
I can't eat or sleep when you're not with me
Baby, you're the air I breathe
This is critical, yeahh
So stuck on you
Used to have everything figured out
But it's different now
When you came, you saw
You conquered my heart
It's your laugh and your smile
Wanna stay for a little while
I don't wanna go
I just want you in my arms
This is critical, I'm feeling helpless
So hysterical, this can't be healthy
I can't eat or sleep when you're not with me
Baby, you're the air I breathe
This is critical, yeahh
So stuck on you
Used to run and hide
Used to bend our love
But I can't escape this time,
Ohnooo...
This is critical, I'm feeling helpless
So hysterical, this can't be healthy
I can't eat or sleep when you're not with me
Baby, you're the air I breathe
This is critical, yeahh
Baby, it's so critical
Baby, it's so critical
It's so critical
So stuck on you
-Nick Jonas
And I do wish Joe and Stella would get together. ;)
Saturday, August 21, 2010
K.I.S.S it
Why do we make the simple things a bigger deal rather than taking it at its value?
For example, a "diet" should be eat when you're hungry, and stop when you are not hungry. Simple right? But we make it such a bigger deal. . . snacking all day and eating because you feel like you have to. And then you look in the mirror and decide that you eat too much and go on a diet that causes you to take out all of your favorite fattening foods, which in turn causes you to miss them and crave them so much that your diet has produced the opposite effect: splurging and overeating.
So, my point is, don't make a mountain out of a molehill. Keep it simple stupid (KISS it). And really, don't let the simple things take over your life. Not worth the stress we make it out to be.
PS:, I'm firing my brain on Saturdays.
For example, a "diet" should be eat when you're hungry, and stop when you are not hungry. Simple right? But we make it such a bigger deal. . . snacking all day and eating because you feel like you have to. And then you look in the mirror and decide that you eat too much and go on a diet that causes you to take out all of your favorite fattening foods, which in turn causes you to miss them and crave them so much that your diet has produced the opposite effect: splurging and overeating.
So, my point is, don't make a mountain out of a molehill. Keep it simple stupid (KISS it). And really, don't let the simple things take over your life. Not worth the stress we make it out to be.
PS:, I'm firing my brain on Saturdays.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
You're Not Who I Thought You Were
I’m going to ramble at first, because it gets everything out that I want to say and then makes sense of it later . . . sometimes.
Talk, wish, comfort, love, and change:
[5 topics that take a lot of considerations. . . however, when you’re in my head, its like I think about them often and almost always in the same way. For example, I think about how much I talk and always say too much and that sometimes I definitely stick my foot in my mouth, which leads me to thinking that maybe I could find a shooting star, because they always feel like encouragement to me, and then I think about how much I fell into love watching those beautiful stars and argue with myself about it because I messed it up, then I think about how I get too comfortable with where I am and how I am okay with my life, and think about how much I shouldn’t be comfortable with my life and that I am supposed to be in Gods word so that I am growing and changing and developing a deeper understanding of what my purpose is for my life. . . which then I ask questions to fix it or change it, and talk to this crazy guy I am [infatuated] with . . . which in turn I talk too much, and you get the idea.]
Let me break it down:
I talk a lot. I have this disease, its called “open mouth, insert foot”. . . which means when I do talk, I actually say too much and then mess up what I originally was trying to say. . .which is never fun. And I definitely try to change that as much as I can, which in the end, leads me to keeping everything in . . . . So it’s just this unending cycle of things to say. I asked a friend why he is able to stay so quiet and just doesn’t talk so much, and he said he didn’t say much anyway. .. Which makes me wonder, is it better to stay quiet and not say anything? Or to talk a lot and regret what you say later? Well, of course the obvious answer is to create a balance . . . which is definitely possible, just never fun! I think that if I am able to use that “trap door” that tells you what to say out loud after you said it in your head; it would create a better balance, and certainly allow the avoiding of the “open mouth- insert foot” disease.
I loved wishing on stars . . . well I still love wishing on stars. My favorite thing about Caswell was that I could lie on the forts and see all of the stars in the sky. It was not only a reminder of how great our Maker is, but also a feeling of happiness that comes from just relaxing watching them. I also love seeing shooting stars, and even though it’s silly to wish on them, it still gives a little excitement to wish on a star and only hope for it to come true. A lot of my wishes have come true, even though I can’t give credit to the stars, but only to the one who created them. [One of my favorite 1vs1000 memories]
I’ve talked a lot about being comfortable and asked a few friends about what it means to be comfortable, and how do you get out of the comfortableness of everyday life. I say this in reference to sins and how I can get so comfortable with my sin that it no longer feels like I am sinning. For example, someone can get so caught up in lies that they no longer recognize they are lying. Say I get so used to telling everyone something that it convinces me to think that I am good at it. It’s like lying becomes convincing, until you recognize that it was originally a lie. It makes you a liar. My point is that sometimes we need to recognize when we are getting comfortable in our sin, but now it’s a persistent action that feels like it belongs in our life, when really, it’s not what we were created to be. We are created to be images of our Maker. When we give in to sin and what we know is not according to God’s plan for our lives, it makes us less of an image. It’s funny too, because it is not our job to point out other people’s choices for their lives. I can’t tell you when I think you are wrong, and I have no right to. I am only the judge of my own life. I just urge you to find out and search your heart to see if you have become comfortable . . . not to become unhappy, but to be changed.
Love isn’t something I am good at, or even able to share much about . . . however, I can tell you that I did find out that a friend of mine looks to examples of love and what it is, and as I do the same, I hope to find it for me some day.
Anyway, I have had a lot on my mind and on my heart . . . oh, and change is always inevitable. Just gotta wait for the right timing. [You’ll know]
Fabulous.
Talk, wish, comfort, love, and change:
[5 topics that take a lot of considerations. . . however, when you’re in my head, its like I think about them often and almost always in the same way. For example, I think about how much I talk and always say too much and that sometimes I definitely stick my foot in my mouth, which leads me to thinking that maybe I could find a shooting star, because they always feel like encouragement to me, and then I think about how much I fell into love watching those beautiful stars and argue with myself about it because I messed it up, then I think about how I get too comfortable with where I am and how I am okay with my life, and think about how much I shouldn’t be comfortable with my life and that I am supposed to be in Gods word so that I am growing and changing and developing a deeper understanding of what my purpose is for my life. . . which then I ask questions to fix it or change it, and talk to this crazy guy I am [infatuated] with . . . which in turn I talk too much, and you get the idea.]
Let me break it down:
I talk a lot. I have this disease, its called “open mouth, insert foot”. . . which means when I do talk, I actually say too much and then mess up what I originally was trying to say. . .which is never fun. And I definitely try to change that as much as I can, which in the end, leads me to keeping everything in . . . . So it’s just this unending cycle of things to say. I asked a friend why he is able to stay so quiet and just doesn’t talk so much, and he said he didn’t say much anyway. .. Which makes me wonder, is it better to stay quiet and not say anything? Or to talk a lot and regret what you say later? Well, of course the obvious answer is to create a balance . . . which is definitely possible, just never fun! I think that if I am able to use that “trap door” that tells you what to say out loud after you said it in your head; it would create a better balance, and certainly allow the avoiding of the “open mouth- insert foot” disease.
I loved wishing on stars . . . well I still love wishing on stars. My favorite thing about Caswell was that I could lie on the forts and see all of the stars in the sky. It was not only a reminder of how great our Maker is, but also a feeling of happiness that comes from just relaxing watching them. I also love seeing shooting stars, and even though it’s silly to wish on them, it still gives a little excitement to wish on a star and only hope for it to come true. A lot of my wishes have come true, even though I can’t give credit to the stars, but only to the one who created them. [One of my favorite 1vs1000 memories]
I’ve talked a lot about being comfortable and asked a few friends about what it means to be comfortable, and how do you get out of the comfortableness of everyday life. I say this in reference to sins and how I can get so comfortable with my sin that it no longer feels like I am sinning. For example, someone can get so caught up in lies that they no longer recognize they are lying. Say I get so used to telling everyone something that it convinces me to think that I am good at it. It’s like lying becomes convincing, until you recognize that it was originally a lie. It makes you a liar. My point is that sometimes we need to recognize when we are getting comfortable in our sin, but now it’s a persistent action that feels like it belongs in our life, when really, it’s not what we were created to be. We are created to be images of our Maker. When we give in to sin and what we know is not according to God’s plan for our lives, it makes us less of an image. It’s funny too, because it is not our job to point out other people’s choices for their lives. I can’t tell you when I think you are wrong, and I have no right to. I am only the judge of my own life. I just urge you to find out and search your heart to see if you have become comfortable . . . not to become unhappy, but to be changed.
Love isn’t something I am good at, or even able to share much about . . . however, I can tell you that I did find out that a friend of mine looks to examples of love and what it is, and as I do the same, I hope to find it for me some day.
Anyway, I have had a lot on my mind and on my heart . . . oh, and change is always inevitable. Just gotta wait for the right timing. [You’ll know]
Fabulous.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
One Versus One Thousand
We talked this morning in worship about God’s Love.
God’s love is unreasonable.
I had so many thoughts going through my head throughout the entire service. First, the Pastor said, “We don’t love people who don’t love us back”. At first, I agreed. Sure, people who don’t love me, yeah I don’t love them. . . yeah, right. Immediately after I repeated it and wrote it in my notes, I started thinking about the few people that I did love and do love, and even am in love with who might not even have a clue, or if they do, just don’t have the same mutual feelings back. I do love people who don’t love me back. And for some crazy reason, I can’t help it.
A lot of times I think about how I wish I could change my feelings; that maybe I could just replace those feelings that I’ve felt for a long time. Who knows. All I do know is that there are some people I love that I love being around and spending time with, and then there are people that I love that I just wish could change their ways. . . but that’s def a word we call hopeless.
Why is it that our love can’t be unreasonable? True love, I really believe is unreasonable. But this junk we call love now, one mistake and you’re mad at “love” and then ruin it. I’m so grateful that I am a child of a Father that loves me, a dirty, ragged sinner, more than anything else, no matter what.
God’s love is tough love sometimes.
Consequences come with poor decisions. We are allowed to make our own decisions and choices, but every one of those decisions and choices are followed by a consequence. Whether or not it’s a good consequence depends on our actions and the choice we made.
I think that the people we choose to define our life by are either good choices or bad choices. . . .who cares what other people think? If you love it, and you know its worth it, go for it. At least make the choice, rather than going by without making any choices or decisions. Always better to make a decision than to let all of them pass you by. Don’t be stagnant. . .I’m learning. That never leads to any explosion, whether good or bad, it’s a learning experience that’s worth learning from.
God’s love is unconditional.
The only love that is unconditional. If you don’t know this amazing Father I talk of, def ask me, cause you will never find another true LOVE like this one.
Anyway, the rest of the random ideas floating in my mind. . .
Th song by Duncan Shiek – Barely Breathing.
Sometimes you just wanna drop a water balloon off a roof onto someone. . . even if it only makes you feel better for a second.
You wait by the phone. . . even for a text.
Is it being lonely? Is it a crush on an idea? Or are you really crazy about that person?
You ever realize how much one small thing can impact you or even everyone around you?
Playing with Levi makes my heart happy. He loves me no matter how mad I get at him.
I miss my best friends. Bad. But I know they are where they are supposed to be. But I also guarantee I cry a lot.
1 vs. 1000. One with the one you truly care about vs 1000 with the jokers you think you care about.
Okay, I’m done for now.
Fabulous.
God’s love is unreasonable.
I had so many thoughts going through my head throughout the entire service. First, the Pastor said, “We don’t love people who don’t love us back”. At first, I agreed. Sure, people who don’t love me, yeah I don’t love them. . . yeah, right. Immediately after I repeated it and wrote it in my notes, I started thinking about the few people that I did love and do love, and even am in love with who might not even have a clue, or if they do, just don’t have the same mutual feelings back. I do love people who don’t love me back. And for some crazy reason, I can’t help it.
A lot of times I think about how I wish I could change my feelings; that maybe I could just replace those feelings that I’ve felt for a long time. Who knows. All I do know is that there are some people I love that I love being around and spending time with, and then there are people that I love that I just wish could change their ways. . . but that’s def a word we call hopeless.
Why is it that our love can’t be unreasonable? True love, I really believe is unreasonable. But this junk we call love now, one mistake and you’re mad at “love” and then ruin it. I’m so grateful that I am a child of a Father that loves me, a dirty, ragged sinner, more than anything else, no matter what.
God’s love is tough love sometimes.
Consequences come with poor decisions. We are allowed to make our own decisions and choices, but every one of those decisions and choices are followed by a consequence. Whether or not it’s a good consequence depends on our actions and the choice we made.
I think that the people we choose to define our life by are either good choices or bad choices. . . .who cares what other people think? If you love it, and you know its worth it, go for it. At least make the choice, rather than going by without making any choices or decisions. Always better to make a decision than to let all of them pass you by. Don’t be stagnant. . .I’m learning. That never leads to any explosion, whether good or bad, it’s a learning experience that’s worth learning from.
God’s love is unconditional.
The only love that is unconditional. If you don’t know this amazing Father I talk of, def ask me, cause you will never find another true LOVE like this one.
Anyway, the rest of the random ideas floating in my mind. . .
Th song by Duncan Shiek – Barely Breathing.
Sometimes you just wanna drop a water balloon off a roof onto someone. . . even if it only makes you feel better for a second.
You wait by the phone. . . even for a text.
Is it being lonely? Is it a crush on an idea? Or are you really crazy about that person?
You ever realize how much one small thing can impact you or even everyone around you?
Playing with Levi makes my heart happy. He loves me no matter how mad I get at him.
I miss my best friends. Bad. But I know they are where they are supposed to be. But I also guarantee I cry a lot.
1 vs. 1000. One with the one you truly care about vs 1000 with the jokers you think you care about.
Okay, I’m done for now.
Fabulous.
Wednesday, June 02, 2010
Boots and Boys
You know what’s funny? I can go for almost a year (or in this most recent case, a few months) and not want to write a thing. . .or think about writing and just never get around to it, and then all of a sudden have a desire to write down all of these things that are going around in my mind?! Funny.
5th Grade
I love teaching. . . no doubt about that. However, this half-year that I have been teaching has been so stressful! I just hate how much I want for my kids that they just don’t get to it. I guess my expectations are high. I guarantee something. . .no matter how much I love it, I will constantly have hardships to learn from.
Ke$ha
I don’t know what it is, but while her lifestyle is kinda crappy, some of her lyrics have strong meanings that have that sort of older Taylor Swift feeling. My favorite: . . .yeah just look them up Be aware, some are not as clean as they should be. . .but amusing
The Showgram
Addiction: I love Bob and the Showgram. . . my day just isn’t complete without the morning laugh and of course all four of my coffee-date friends. 6-10 on G105. Fun stuff!
Alexis
Oh boy, here we come!
Costa Rica
I get to go to Costa Rica in less than 2 weeks! I am so excited! It will be nice to get away and hang out on a vacation with Daniel and the fam. I miss him a lot. . .it will be wonderful to finally catch up and hear all about him and his adventures! He thinks he is gonna get me on a surfboard . . . we’ll see. . I just might!
Levi
He’s precious. Def my best buddy!
Sometimes I think its just a matter of talking things out so I can understand them fully. . .or at least a little bit better. Maybe that’s why I have a stressful few months and then am able to relax a little. . .soul searching. . . finding me before I can be with anyone else. Maybe something that I have been waiting for for a long time is coming my way. All I can do is keep my focus on my Maker and let his plans for my life fall into place, preferably without “mine” getting in the way. He’s awesome and has blessed me beyond imagination. . .I regrettably don’t thank him enough. . .if you don’t know him, ask. . .cause He is worth meeting! (For sure!)
Don't care where, work it out
Let me break it down.
5th Grade
I love teaching. . . no doubt about that. However, this half-year that I have been teaching has been so stressful! I just hate how much I want for my kids that they just don’t get to it. I guess my expectations are high. I guarantee something. . .no matter how much I love it, I will constantly have hardships to learn from.
Ke$ha
I don’t know what it is, but while her lifestyle is kinda crappy, some of her lyrics have strong meanings that have that sort of older Taylor Swift feeling. My favorite: . . .yeah just look them up Be aware, some are not as clean as they should be. . .but amusing
The Showgram
Addiction: I love Bob and the Showgram. . . my day just isn’t complete without the morning laugh and of course all four of my coffee-date friends. 6-10 on G105. Fun stuff!
Alexis
Oh boy, here we come!
Costa Rica
I get to go to Costa Rica in less than 2 weeks! I am so excited! It will be nice to get away and hang out on a vacation with Daniel and the fam. I miss him a lot. . .it will be wonderful to finally catch up and hear all about him and his adventures! He thinks he is gonna get me on a surfboard . . . we’ll see. . I just might!
Levi
He’s precious. Def my best buddy!
Sometimes I think its just a matter of talking things out so I can understand them fully. . .or at least a little bit better. Maybe that’s why I have a stressful few months and then am able to relax a little. . .soul searching. . . finding me before I can be with anyone else. Maybe something that I have been waiting for for a long time is coming my way. All I can do is keep my focus on my Maker and let his plans for my life fall into place, preferably without “mine” getting in the way. He’s awesome and has blessed me beyond imagination. . .I regrettably don’t thank him enough. . .if you don’t know him, ask. . .cause He is worth meeting! (For sure!)
Don't care where, work it out
Let me break it down.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
I'm Not Brave
I have noticed a lot about me in the past few months. . .more like 6 months to a year. I can talk a lot and make myself seem really strong and brave, but I'm really not . . .def not even close.
School makes me nervous. I am constantly trying to keep my head above water. That's really tough, especially when the kids don't care, and I have so much to do and so much I want to do, but I just feel like the "worth" is not there when I want it to be.
I learned a lot in church today. . . and while it may have not been from the Preacher, but I did learn from God's word.
We are "good" based on human standards. . . but what about God's standards? We are looking at our purpose in life by looking at what WE as humans think our life is all about. God gives us "standards" to follow and live by, and we continuously refuse to follow them.
One Tribe - BEP
"I (heart) ______".
It is not a matter of WAITING for something "good" to happen. It's a matter of preparing yourself for the unexpected. While it might be easier to pass the blame, It is inevitably my fault for not preparing correctly. It's like I was ready to run a marathon, yet trained and prepared for a swimming whatever it is. While the love for someone is deep and rooted, it doesn't grow unless it is watered or given nourishment. Eventually, those roots become old and dry. The ground is no longer providing for those roots the nourishment that they need, so what does the foundation do then? It no longer provides and the nutrients to build that love is gone, and it can't survive. It can of course be re-rooted, but that takes a lot of change and work. While it is possible, it would be better to nourish those already laid out roots. Without work, there is no love. Just a place where that love used to be.
It's the same way with God. We "love" Him, but our roots become dry and under nourished, unfortunately more often than not. But, it can be watered and taken care of. . . and sometimes re-rooted. God allows it to happen. Why don't we learn that? When will we learn that? The same way with God is the same way with Men.
I'll learn one of these days. One day, I'll be brave.
School makes me nervous. I am constantly trying to keep my head above water. That's really tough, especially when the kids don't care, and I have so much to do and so much I want to do, but I just feel like the "worth" is not there when I want it to be.
I learned a lot in church today. . . and while it may have not been from the Preacher, but I did learn from God's word.
We are "good" based on human standards. . . but what about God's standards? We are looking at our purpose in life by looking at what WE as humans think our life is all about. God gives us "standards" to follow and live by, and we continuously refuse to follow them.
One Tribe - BEP
"I (heart) ______".
It is not a matter of WAITING for something "good" to happen. It's a matter of preparing yourself for the unexpected. While it might be easier to pass the blame, It is inevitably my fault for not preparing correctly. It's like I was ready to run a marathon, yet trained and prepared for a swimming whatever it is. While the love for someone is deep and rooted, it doesn't grow unless it is watered or given nourishment. Eventually, those roots become old and dry. The ground is no longer providing for those roots the nourishment that they need, so what does the foundation do then? It no longer provides and the nutrients to build that love is gone, and it can't survive. It can of course be re-rooted, but that takes a lot of change and work. While it is possible, it would be better to nourish those already laid out roots. Without work, there is no love. Just a place where that love used to be.
It's the same way with God. We "love" Him, but our roots become dry and under nourished, unfortunately more often than not. But, it can be watered and taken care of. . . and sometimes re-rooted. God allows it to happen. Why don't we learn that? When will we learn that? The same way with God is the same way with Men.
I'll learn one of these days. One day, I'll be brave.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
What do you want?
Hmm.
I'm very independent and I like those that respect that.
I don't have to hang out and be around someone 24/7, but I like quality time.
I don't like a phone call every hour to ask what I am doing or where I am.
I like the trust and understanding of two different lives, just headed in the same direction.
I like someone to care about some of the things that I care about, and just listen when I talk about them and just be there when I am happy and not happy to celebrate or just enjoy a cup of coffee with me.
I like a friendship based relationship, not an only person I hang out with all the time kind of relationship.
I love being around lots of people at times, and then sometimes I just like it to be the two of us, and then other times I like to enjoy time alone.
I never had a dad in my life and my mom did a pretty darn good job at raising me, and she is the one I talk to if I need a girlfriend who gives advice and then my sister is the one I talk to when I have something that I need to get fussed at for.
I do pretty good making good and bad decisions, but I do my best to make them and then figure out how I do or don't need to make them again.
I can't cook real well, but I do know how to follow a recipe.
I am a friend to all, and have a lot of guy friends who would do nothing but enjoy company and are very easy going and I want someone who is okay with that and doesn't get jealous over time.
If they do get jealous, then tell me.
Be honest and I will do what I can to fix it.
I like two way relationships, I give, you give, and we work together.
I get frustrated with not doing my best and that works for me because I want to do better the next time.
I screw up ALL THE TIME and I can't be mad at myself but just get mad enough to fix it the next time.
I want to teach children because I like being creative and have a lot to share and they are the ones who can make a difference, not just in the world, but in their own personal lives.
I don’t like eating things I don’t like. If I want to try something new, I will. Just don’t push it.
There are things that I like to talk about and things that I just don’t want to talk about.
You know. . . I was writing this to tell a friend what I really am like, and what I want. It’s funny because as I was writing it, I was thinking about the things that make up ME. What I am, what I want, what I do, it all makes up, me.
I wonder why it takes almost a life changing decision that I have thought about making for so long and then finally got up the nerve in my stomach to say what I wanted to say. I hurt myself, I hurt someone else, and I had a hard time figuring out what really made me say what I wanted to say. It reminds me of Charlotte, from SATC, where she finally tells Mr. Big what she has wanted to say, what she has rehearsed in her mind over and over again, and it makes her feel good outside, but on the inside, she really thought that was hurtful and not fair for his feelings. I feel like that is what I did . . . but I know it is what I wanted. I want time. I want to meet new people and get to know them. I don’t want to end a relationship completely, but I do want to take the time to get to know me again . . . build my relationships internally again and then even build up my life to where I am at least okay with it. I’m not saying it’s over. . . I am not saying it’s still going. I just know that what I want, I have to look for. I will find it, whether it is today, next week, a month from now, or in August. I want time. I think time will help me find me again, and get through all of these crazy things I have started and not finished in my life. I want to find the help I need to close doors and then open others. It’s true. Life alone is wasted . . . but life with people isn’t worth it if you aren’t happy with yourself.
I graduate in December. I have one more week of classes before I intern in august. I am at a really tough time in my life, and the one thing I want most right now is to find me.
Life is a journey. Family makes it great; friends and family make it greater. I have a Maker who I want to be pleased with me . . .
Special thanks to those who helped me write this. Yeah, you don't know who you are. ;)
Fabulous!
I'm very independent and I like those that respect that.
I don't have to hang out and be around someone 24/7, but I like quality time.
I don't like a phone call every hour to ask what I am doing or where I am.
I like the trust and understanding of two different lives, just headed in the same direction.
I like someone to care about some of the things that I care about, and just listen when I talk about them and just be there when I am happy and not happy to celebrate or just enjoy a cup of coffee with me.
I like a friendship based relationship, not an only person I hang out with all the time kind of relationship.
I love being around lots of people at times, and then sometimes I just like it to be the two of us, and then other times I like to enjoy time alone.
I never had a dad in my life and my mom did a pretty darn good job at raising me, and she is the one I talk to if I need a girlfriend who gives advice and then my sister is the one I talk to when I have something that I need to get fussed at for.
I do pretty good making good and bad decisions, but I do my best to make them and then figure out how I do or don't need to make them again.
I can't cook real well, but I do know how to follow a recipe.
I am a friend to all, and have a lot of guy friends who would do nothing but enjoy company and are very easy going and I want someone who is okay with that and doesn't get jealous over time.
If they do get jealous, then tell me.
Be honest and I will do what I can to fix it.
I like two way relationships, I give, you give, and we work together.
I get frustrated with not doing my best and that works for me because I want to do better the next time.
I screw up ALL THE TIME and I can't be mad at myself but just get mad enough to fix it the next time.
I want to teach children because I like being creative and have a lot to share and they are the ones who can make a difference, not just in the world, but in their own personal lives.
I don’t like eating things I don’t like. If I want to try something new, I will. Just don’t push it.
There are things that I like to talk about and things that I just don’t want to talk about.
You know. . . I was writing this to tell a friend what I really am like, and what I want. It’s funny because as I was writing it, I was thinking about the things that make up ME. What I am, what I want, what I do, it all makes up, me.
I wonder why it takes almost a life changing decision that I have thought about making for so long and then finally got up the nerve in my stomach to say what I wanted to say. I hurt myself, I hurt someone else, and I had a hard time figuring out what really made me say what I wanted to say. It reminds me of Charlotte, from SATC, where she finally tells Mr. Big what she has wanted to say, what she has rehearsed in her mind over and over again, and it makes her feel good outside, but on the inside, she really thought that was hurtful and not fair for his feelings. I feel like that is what I did . . . but I know it is what I wanted. I want time. I want to meet new people and get to know them. I don’t want to end a relationship completely, but I do want to take the time to get to know me again . . . build my relationships internally again and then even build up my life to where I am at least okay with it. I’m not saying it’s over. . . I am not saying it’s still going. I just know that what I want, I have to look for. I will find it, whether it is today, next week, a month from now, or in August. I want time. I think time will help me find me again, and get through all of these crazy things I have started and not finished in my life. I want to find the help I need to close doors and then open others. It’s true. Life alone is wasted . . . but life with people isn’t worth it if you aren’t happy with yourself.
I graduate in December. I have one more week of classes before I intern in august. I am at a really tough time in my life, and the one thing I want most right now is to find me.
Life is a journey. Family makes it great; friends and family make it greater. I have a Maker who I want to be pleased with me . . .
Special thanks to those who helped me write this. Yeah, you don't know who you are. ;)
Fabulous!
Sunday, November 09, 2008
Ohhh the Easy Button.
Sometimes you just need to take a small break and get everything out that you want out, and then come back together and make it a lot better.
I think it would work. . .
I just wish things didn't happen the way they have happened.
But there's nothing I can do now. . . just have to move on and step over that rock in the water. It kinda reminds me of the movie Aladdin and where he is stepping on the stones and after he steps on one it blows up and then finally he gets to the last stone and as it starts to blow up, the magic carpet fly's in and saves the day. . .
Where is my magic carpet?
I think it would work. . .
I just wish things didn't happen the way they have happened.
But there's nothing I can do now. . . just have to move on and step over that rock in the water. It kinda reminds me of the movie Aladdin and where he is stepping on the stones and after he steps on one it blows up and then finally he gets to the last stone and as it starts to blow up, the magic carpet fly's in and saves the day. . .
Where is my magic carpet?
Sunday, April 20, 2008
It Was Just A Bad Day
Where is the moment we needed the most
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
They tell me your blue skies fade to grey
They tell me your passion's gone away
And I don't need no carrying on
You stand in the line just to hit a new low
You're faking a smile with the coffee to go
You tell me your life's been way off line
You're falling to pieces every time
And I don't need no carrying on
Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day
You had a bad day
Well you need a blue sky holiday
the point is they laugh at what you say
and I don't need no carrying' on
Sometimes the system goes on the blink
and the whole thing turns out wrong
you might not make it back and you know
that you could be well oh that strong
and I'm not wrong
So where is the passion when you need it the most?
Oh you and I
you kick up the leaves and the magic is lost.
You know,
It’s funny. Because when you have what you think you want, it seems that it is never enough. but the second you have what you thought was "enough" or what you thought you wanted, its too much, and you end up hurting and being hurt which ends in you losing everything. But then there is that one time that when you realize in the middle of getting what you want or thought you wanted, you find what truly matters . . . what your heart truly desires. .. And it’s been in your hands the whole time. . .
Sometimes it takes just one mistake to realize the happiness you have already found.
But then it’s really funny, because it is once you make that one mistake that you are put into a stupid category.
And it sucks, and is not fair, but it happens.
Just got to look for that happiness that you’ve already found-
Move on, look forward, forgive, forget, and love; but most importantly, find what truly makes you happy.
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
They tell me your blue skies fade to grey
They tell me your passion's gone away
And I don't need no carrying on
You stand in the line just to hit a new low
You're faking a smile with the coffee to go
You tell me your life's been way off line
You're falling to pieces every time
And I don't need no carrying on
Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day
You had a bad day
Well you need a blue sky holiday
the point is they laugh at what you say
and I don't need no carrying' on
Sometimes the system goes on the blink
and the whole thing turns out wrong
you might not make it back and you know
that you could be well oh that strong
and I'm not wrong
So where is the passion when you need it the most?
Oh you and I
you kick up the leaves and the magic is lost.
You know,
It’s funny. Because when you have what you think you want, it seems that it is never enough. but the second you have what you thought was "enough" or what you thought you wanted, its too much, and you end up hurting and being hurt which ends in you losing everything. But then there is that one time that when you realize in the middle of getting what you want or thought you wanted, you find what truly matters . . . what your heart truly desires. .. And it’s been in your hands the whole time. . .
Sometimes it takes just one mistake to realize the happiness you have already found.
But then it’s really funny, because it is once you make that one mistake that you are put into a stupid category.
And it sucks, and is not fair, but it happens.
Just got to look for that happiness that you’ve already found-
Move on, look forward, forgive, forget, and love; but most importantly, find what truly makes you happy.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance.
Do you ever get to that point where you just feel like everything in life is crumbling down on you, all in one day? I hate that feeling.
Today, I learned that I have to stay an extra semester in college, my apartment search isn’t going so well, my current apartment is dirty from my roommate, and my puppy is not helping, and then my car has a transmission leak. I can imagine more could happen, but gracious.
I’m exhausted. Life is exhausting. When you only get to sleep for a few small hours at night because everything is still in your brain; those things you really need to get done except you can’t find the time or energy to do them are still racking your brain and you just can’t sleep. Or, you sleep through your alarm and miss a class you really can’t afford to miss. Its really tiring. I’m tired.
Well, in the midst of apartment hunting, homework, big tests, presentations, future plans, a puppy, and taking 3 minute showers, I am looking for the positive things in life. I have money to pay April’s rent, which is a blessing, but then I have to pay a 200 dollar pet deposit fee for one month. I can’t seem to find all the positive things going on without finding the negative too. Where did that strong faith that there are many blessings without finding those unhappy situations?!
I keep hoping it will all be over soon. But then, at the same time, I want to enjoy these days; these happy moments when you walk in the door and your puppy gets so excited that you’re home that he pees on the floor. The happy moments when you get to learn more about children and how to affect their lives in a positive manner. The lovely time of cooking and eating, because then you realize that you really shouldn’t have eaten that rice, because now you feel like puking.
I miss the smell of clean laundry for longer than 2 minutes; the smiles from the people around you who really do care about you; the happiness of living situations; the satisfaction of knowing that you completed all of your assignments for school and got them turned in on time; waking up and feeling refreshed; feeling the warm sun on your face without thinking about everything you have to get done. I miss it. Where did it all go?!
I guess it’s the life of a college kid. Working hard to make money to survive, living the best you can with the ones you don’t want to live with, waiting for those moments when you get to see the ones you care about most. That’s life. I guess I just have to keep my chin up, because there is something that is planned for me. This is the life I was given, so I am going to try and make the best of it.
"Pay careful attention to your own work, for then you will get the satisfaction of a job well done, and you won't need to compare yourself to anyone else." Galatians 6:4
Today, I learned that I have to stay an extra semester in college, my apartment search isn’t going so well, my current apartment is dirty from my roommate, and my puppy is not helping, and then my car has a transmission leak. I can imagine more could happen, but gracious.
I’m exhausted. Life is exhausting. When you only get to sleep for a few small hours at night because everything is still in your brain; those things you really need to get done except you can’t find the time or energy to do them are still racking your brain and you just can’t sleep. Or, you sleep through your alarm and miss a class you really can’t afford to miss. Its really tiring. I’m tired.
Well, in the midst of apartment hunting, homework, big tests, presentations, future plans, a puppy, and taking 3 minute showers, I am looking for the positive things in life. I have money to pay April’s rent, which is a blessing, but then I have to pay a 200 dollar pet deposit fee for one month. I can’t seem to find all the positive things going on without finding the negative too. Where did that strong faith that there are many blessings without finding those unhappy situations?!
I keep hoping it will all be over soon. But then, at the same time, I want to enjoy these days; these happy moments when you walk in the door and your puppy gets so excited that you’re home that he pees on the floor. The happy moments when you get to learn more about children and how to affect their lives in a positive manner. The lovely time of cooking and eating, because then you realize that you really shouldn’t have eaten that rice, because now you feel like puking.
I miss the smell of clean laundry for longer than 2 minutes; the smiles from the people around you who really do care about you; the happiness of living situations; the satisfaction of knowing that you completed all of your assignments for school and got them turned in on time; waking up and feeling refreshed; feeling the warm sun on your face without thinking about everything you have to get done. I miss it. Where did it all go?!
I guess it’s the life of a college kid. Working hard to make money to survive, living the best you can with the ones you don’t want to live with, waiting for those moments when you get to see the ones you care about most. That’s life. I guess I just have to keep my chin up, because there is something that is planned for me. This is the life I was given, so I am going to try and make the best of it.
"Pay careful attention to your own work, for then you will get the satisfaction of a job well done, and you won't need to compare yourself to anyone else." Galatians 6:4
Monday, March 17, 2008
I Can See Clearly Now . . .
I’m not going to lie. I hate getting angry with someone . . . but honestly, I haven’t been like that since I’ve gotten into college. I guess sometimes we just lose our cool, and get mad.
So my question of the week is: why do we sometimes lose our cool, and say things and do things that we know get under the skin of others?
I really thing majority of the time, when we get our feelings hurt, it makes us “immediately” feel better by hurting the other persons feelings. While it makes us feel satisfied for the time being, later on, it makes us feel awful.
I try hard to let the little petty things go; a dirty living room, a messy kitchen, getting woken up at 3 and 4 in the morning by loud voices. . . I try to let these things go. The hardest part though, is that once you think you let them go, you still keep them in the back of your mind and they keep piling up, until that one day, one small thing is really a big deal to you, because you have all of those other things that are right there with it. You blow up, and make a big deal, but to them it is stupid and shouldn’t be a cause for an argument, but for you, it’s a big deal because it has built for a long time and it comes out all at once.
This can’t be good for your mind. But why do we do it? Why do we keep things inside, thinking that this is the best thing?
I learn daily. I learn how to better things by looking at how they failed. I learn that if a puppy has to tinkle, he really has to go right that second, not a second more. I learned that when you have to wear some glasses for driving, you can avoid a headache by looking through them.
I got a new pair of glasses recently. They make me see better while driving. They honestly help me see better 90% of the time. For the first day, I tried getting used to them but as I kept taking them off, my head started hurting. It was because I kept taking them off and putting them on, and my eyes had a hard time focusing. I lost focus of things because I didn’t look at it through the glasses; the helpers.
I think that I often do that. I often try to look at things through my own eyes, rather than the ones that are there to help me see more clear. I don’t see the good things because I keep looking for the bad. I don’t understand things, because I don’t want to. Why is it that when we are given help, we don’t use it because we think the way that we do things is always better?
God gives us help when we need it most. We don’t always ask for it, but he always provides at the right time. He gives us the glasses to see things the better way, the more clear way. Sometimes we just need to let go and take the glasses and see our life the way he sees it. Maybe it is then that we will see our own mistakes, and stop looking for the mistakes of others. Maybe it is then that we will realize how much of a difference it makes when we don’t do everything by ourselves; that we can see how much he can provide if we just allow him to guide us. Maybe if we just let our prideful guard down, he can bring happiness and joy that we haven’t seen in a while.
If we just look through the glasses that we’ve been given, maybe we will see much clearer.
So my question of the week is: why do we sometimes lose our cool, and say things and do things that we know get under the skin of others?
I really thing majority of the time, when we get our feelings hurt, it makes us “immediately” feel better by hurting the other persons feelings. While it makes us feel satisfied for the time being, later on, it makes us feel awful.
I try hard to let the little petty things go; a dirty living room, a messy kitchen, getting woken up at 3 and 4 in the morning by loud voices. . . I try to let these things go. The hardest part though, is that once you think you let them go, you still keep them in the back of your mind and they keep piling up, until that one day, one small thing is really a big deal to you, because you have all of those other things that are right there with it. You blow up, and make a big deal, but to them it is stupid and shouldn’t be a cause for an argument, but for you, it’s a big deal because it has built for a long time and it comes out all at once.
This can’t be good for your mind. But why do we do it? Why do we keep things inside, thinking that this is the best thing?
I learn daily. I learn how to better things by looking at how they failed. I learn that if a puppy has to tinkle, he really has to go right that second, not a second more. I learned that when you have to wear some glasses for driving, you can avoid a headache by looking through them.
I got a new pair of glasses recently. They make me see better while driving. They honestly help me see better 90% of the time. For the first day, I tried getting used to them but as I kept taking them off, my head started hurting. It was because I kept taking them off and putting them on, and my eyes had a hard time focusing. I lost focus of things because I didn’t look at it through the glasses; the helpers.
I think that I often do that. I often try to look at things through my own eyes, rather than the ones that are there to help me see more clear. I don’t see the good things because I keep looking for the bad. I don’t understand things, because I don’t want to. Why is it that when we are given help, we don’t use it because we think the way that we do things is always better?
God gives us help when we need it most. We don’t always ask for it, but he always provides at the right time. He gives us the glasses to see things the better way, the more clear way. Sometimes we just need to let go and take the glasses and see our life the way he sees it. Maybe it is then that we will see our own mistakes, and stop looking for the mistakes of others. Maybe it is then that we will realize how much of a difference it makes when we don’t do everything by ourselves; that we can see how much he can provide if we just allow him to guide us. Maybe if we just let our prideful guard down, he can bring happiness and joy that we haven’t seen in a while.
If we just look through the glasses that we’ve been given, maybe we will see much clearer.
Saturday, March 08, 2008
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