I hate coffee, not really, but the fact that I am sitting up at 2:15am and watching movies that make me cry, well, that gives me a reason to hate coffee.
I laugh sometimes, because I watch these movies, pretty much ones that only make you think and usually make you cry like a baby, but then I look at how silly it is that I am so involved in this movie that is nothing but fiction; which I tell my kids is non-realistic. It is kind of like justifying my motives and thoughts as well as my actions and making it all “make sense”. Silly isn’t it?
In thinking the other day, I recognized something that I am not too proud of that occurs often in my life. I realized that I have never once had my heart broken. Well, I take that back, I have had it broken, sure, but not to the point of it being something to learn from. Simple heartbreaks are more like pride-breaks or something that embarrasses you or “hurts” your feelings . . . but never a heart-break. (You know one of those cry for days, can’t eat or sleep, crazy feeling kind of heart-break.) I realized that I always end things before it gets to that point. I guess you can call it being proactive. However, sometimes being that proactive keeps you from learning or experiencing the “heart-break”. No, I am not saying I want to know what that feels like, but it does make me wonder what my relationships would look like now if I had ever experienced that feeling. Hm.
So, I really like this guy. He is sweet, handsome, considerate, smart, hard-headed, simple and complicated, and def someone I could be with. Different than anyone else I have been with, but certainly worth a little time. I do wish, however, that he would once in a while say what he is thinking . . . but wait, that’s a wish that I am not going to take up in one of my 3. I do wonder sometimes, if I make the right choices. Do I go for the one who has been my friend for a long time that it could really work and be great with? Or do I go for the one who doesn’t seem to reciprocate my feelings towards him towards me? It’s almost like I am a silly girl with a crush on an idea that comes and goes as it pleases. That I think is what it is so hard about being with one person. I really feel like some type of commitment that is strong and there for me will help make that decision, but taking so long to begin that commitment keeps me wondering, which one? The one that I have loved for years and has a great heart and spirited personality, but really someone I don’t know as well as I think I do – or someone who is one of my greatest friends and has some feelings of “like” towards me, will have a great time on dates, smart and caring, and yet still someone I don’t know as well as I would like to, but would be easier to get to know. Am I just wanting a friend or am I really wanting a companion? (Not in the dog-sense of the term, but the relationship sense) Am I desperate or truly interested?
I have lots of tough decisions.
I really like my job. I love teaching, and I know that is exactly what I have wanted to do for as long as I can remember. (Even back to the point of playing with my best friend “school” and calling each other to talk about how crazy my kids were) I tell you what; it is a lot harder than I thought it would be. I definitely know that what I learned in college isn’t as helpful as what it means to be put in the classroom and have to actually “teach”. It’s hard, but I love it. I wouldn’t change it for the world.
Where is my relationship with my Maker in all the midst of my mess? I think that is my bigger problem, and the first issue to be resolved. It is tough to learn that I can’t do it all on my own. It took 5 cups of coffee and quite a few sappy girl movies to figure that out. Isn’t life just one big hot mess?
